Poland, Detective
by polandandlithuania
Summary: Lithuania is missing and it's up to Poland to find him!  So, armed with a stuffed panda, some ice cream, Hello Kitty rainboots, and music, Poland starts a search across the world! Pol/Liet
1. In Which Liet Goes Missing

**A/N: Hi! I'm ladyoflalaland and welcome to the collab story of awesomeness by myself and the great Robyn_enjolras. We're both rabid musical fangirls turned rabid APH fangirls AND musical fangirls. And we LOVE Poland/Lithuania. And country names. And pandas, but that's beside the point. **

**Disclaimer: If you think we own APH, you crazy! **

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**In a house, somewhere in Poland…**

I looked across the desk, papers in my hand, coat pressed against my totally hot body. This was it: the perfect crime. And I was the perfect person to solve it. Leaning back in my seat, I took a drag on my cigarette…

"Hey!" From out of nowhere, a hand snatched away the cigarette I was about to oh-so-stylishly smoke, "I told you not to do that, even if you are just playing!"

I looked up and over my fab sunglasses. In front of me stood Lithuania: in case you don't know, Lithuania - some people call him Toris, but I think Lithuania's, like, cuter - Anyways, Lithuania's just this guy… we used to be one country and stuff like that, but now he lives with Russia. We still visit and have sleepovers, and stuff, but I don't get to see him all the time anymore, which is a shame because he's totally nice and cute in, like, a helpless I'm-on-anxiety-meds kind of way, and… okay, you got me – I totally think he's adorable and would like, completely make out with him. But, you know, you can't always just do that with your best friend. I mean, even if you're me: Poland, Feliks, whatever. You just have to, like, keep up your appearance, if you get what I'm saying.

This was one of those weekends: one of those times with Lithuania was staying over at my house. Every first and second weekend of the month and every other holiday: that's what it says on the papers Russia and I signed. As much as I love having him over, Liet does not seem to get the idea of playing pretend, which would explain why he was now standing over me looking disdainfully at the cigarette in his hand.

"But, Liet, it's candy!" I whined.

"Really?" He examined it carefully. "Wow!"

Ah, he's so cute when he's surprised, "Now," I began, "shoo! I mean, like, please?" I tried to get him my best 'Imma gonna be a good boy if you just let me play' face.

"Fine…" Lithuania turned to leave, "what are you playing anyways?"

"Detective." I replied – okay, it sounds a little childish, but it's fun.

"Why do you need to wear that pink skirt then?"

"Don't," I glared dramatically, "ask questions you aren't ready to have answered."

"Okay, whatever" Lithuania laughed, "I just need your help with some work later, kay?"

"Kay" I nodded. With that, Liet left the room.

Now, I turned back to my papers. Where was I?

Ah, yes: it was the perfect crime. The kind with little evidence and less witnesses. The sun was shining and the air was full of… wait for it! Kidnapping. It was the best possible day for one person to don his sparkly sunglasses, trench coat, and, like, pink skirt and solve crime. But who is this oh-so-fabulous person, country, thing? It's me! Poland, detective!

See what I just did? I just worked the title name into my monologue. I rock!

Now... where was I? – oh, right! I was ranting at my desk. Well, the day was perfect for crime – and I was going to have one. Bigger than anything I could, at that time, have imagined. But, before that happens I would first have to… have to… have to...? Yes, I would have to watch a movie! And not just any movie: I would have to watch… "RENT!"

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"Something," I thought, "is not right." I just couldn't put my finger on it. I looked around the room. Okay, so, the half-melted container of soy ice cream on the table, the scarf thrown on the lamp, the same lamp laying sideways on the floor – the floor that was now covered with various articles of clothing – well, all of those were a little weird when taken out of context. But, considering that I had just been running around dancing and singing along to "Rent," the state of the living room made sense. Right? RIGHT? Everyone always makes a mess when they're watching and acting along with a movie-musical. It's totally normal.

What was I talking about? Before the movie? At this point, I had no idea. So, I set off to find Liet.

"Liet?" My voice carried across the hall. "Liet?" Okay… this was, like, super strange, you know? Normally, when I called for him, Liet came running right up looking worried. Like I was calling him because I accidentally burnt down the house or something. Haha, like I would make that mistake again.

I walked from room to room...

Actually, that's lie: I danced from room to room.

My house is very good for dancing in: it has, like, all wood floors. I figured that, while I was searching for Liet, I might as well practice my dance moves.

"Liet" I called again. By now, I was beginning to panic. If I couldn't find him then I couldn't tell him something really important, and then we'd never open up a restaurant in Santa Fe which was, due to the fact that I had just finished "Rent," now my dream.

"Liet? Are you, like, hiding?" I turned. You know, you would have thought that I'd at least see one of my servant guys, or my boss or something. But, nope, no one. It's like, someone set me up for this story.

Wait, Oh. Emm. Gee. I just saw Liet.

Oh... haha, silly me: it was a lamp. At this point, I was getting very disappointed. And the high-heeled "detective" shoes I had been wearing were hurting. So, I figured I'd just call Liet's phone and then wait for him to come back. In the mean time, I'd watch another movie. Yes. Time for "Hairspray."

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_The next morning... _

"Something," I thought, "was not quite – wait? Haven't I thought this before?"

I sat up on the couch. Why was the living room in disarray? Why was there no breakfast in front of me? And, most importantly, why was one of those artsy French films on TV? I reached for the remote, but then remembered something else: don't I usually have someone around... on the first and third weekend of every month and every other holiday?... who did all this work for me?

It took me a second to remember.

"Oh my God…" I stated, eyes wide with fear, "my brownies have been in the oven all night long!"

It was only once I saved the brownies that I remembered the truly important thing: Lithuania had forgotten to wash my black shirt!

Suddenly, a gust of wind hit me directly in the face. At first I thought that I had left my wind tunnel's fan on, but then I remember that I didn't have a wind tunnel. But, when a bunch of leaves and a piece of paper hit me right in the fact, I recalled that I had left the window open.

I pulled the leaves off my face. They were all wet – urgh- and brown, except one that was completely white and looked kinda like… a note! And it had words on it…

"Ca – Tr –Rus – L!" It was a message, a secret one. As I read it, the events of last night rushed down on me: My darling Liet was still missing! He hadn't answered any of my calls or texts. He must have been kidnapped! The note was proof: Lithuania was kidnapped by Russia. Of course, that makes sense. Russia, the fiend, was jealous of me getting Lithuania every first and third weekend and every other holiday. Because of that, he took him. And now, it was up to me to save the one I love from the clutches of that foul man who Lithuania usually lived with. It was just like my game, only this time it was real.

And so, after five hours of getting ready, I set off for Russia's house.

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**A/N: ok, gangsers, Robyn's chappie will be up soon. Until then, review, give a panda a hug, and check out the awesome fanart my little brother did of this chapter - the link to which is up on this account's profile. (he's doing one for every chapter, so give him some reviews over on deviant art too!) As they don't say in Poland, _adios_! **


	2. In Which Russia Grins Creepily

**A/N: Hey homiezz, Robyn here! You know what would be super special awesome? IF YOU REVIEWED!  
yayyyy :D**

**Also, listen to "Scarborough Fair/Canticle" by Simon and Garfunkel. It's my new best friend.**

**Disclaimer: I haz no ownershipz of thingz I does not own D:**

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Okay, so I was all ready to go. And I looked extra fabulous today because I had my pink Hello Kitty rain boots on. It wasn't raining, but I'm just totally awesome because I was showing the weather who the boss around here is.

Anywhoodles: I was on my way to Russia's house. I knocked on the door and Latvia opened it a crack.

"H-h-hi..." he said, "Can I help you?"

"Like, Latvia, what's the problem? It's Poland, and despite the fact that I am so totally threatening and intimidating in my pink Hello Kitty rain boots, you do not have to be afraid of me right now!" I flipped my hair.

"Kay... Come in, I guess?" Latvia showed me in.

"Thanks, hun! Oh, and bee-tee-dubs, where's Estonia and Russia... and maybe possibly Lithuania?"

"I haven't seen Lithuania, but Estonia and Russia are... well I'll just show you."

He led me to where the dastardly duo had themselves perched on two comfy armchairs that would totally look awesome in my living room.

"Oh, hello, Poland... How may I help you?" Russia grinned in a totes sketchy fashion.

"Hey, um, like, Liet totally disappeared yesterday and I have, like, no effing idea where he is and I'm really depressed and the only thing that is keeping me sane are my pink Hello Kitty rain boots, my possibly opening a restaurant in Santa Fe, and the fact that I listened to Liza Minelli on the way over." I was on the verge of tears.

"Calm down, Poland. I'm sure he'll turn up soon..." Estonia tried to make me feel better. He's soooooo good at it.

Not.

I looked at Russia and did a face that was a mixture of a lip-wobble/puppy-dog. He did his sketchy smile again.

"LITHUANIA IS MISSING! THIS IS TERRIBLE!" he was actually being sincere, "I mean, who will do all my dirty work and stuff?"

"OH. EM. GEE. I know exactly how you feel! Like, I had to totally do my own laundry this morning! It was what Spain calls el terrible!"

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Estonia decided to pipe up.

"Yeah... so I guess you want us to help you locate the other third of the Baltic nations?"

"No, silly, I just want you guys to help me find Liet!"

Estonia looked like he was about to say something, but Russia held his hand up and shook his head, indicating that it wasn't worth it. Estonia and Latvia looked at each other and shrugged.

"When was the last time you saw Lithuania, Poland?" Russia grinned creepily for the 7589th time that day.

"Um... Like, I was 'smoking' a piece of candy..." I started, and the trio looked at me strangely, "No, not like that - it was a candy cigarette! Duh...! Anywhoodles, like, Liet told me to stop because smoking is bad and stuff and then like he was totally gone! Like. Totally. Gone."

"Anything else? Did he say anything before he left?" Russia grinned creepily for the 7590th time that day.

"Jeez, you're making me think here! I'm not used to this! Uh... he said something about him wanting my help with something later... OOOH! WHAT IF IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THOSE!" I squealed.

"Puh-leeze, if you were going to have a surprise party I would've told you about it by now!" Latvia giggled.

"NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR RIGHT NOW!" I snapped. Great. No surprise party... My ideas on Liet's whereabouts were running out.

"Maybe if we throw Lithuania a surprise party he'll show up and we can find him!" Estonia suggested.

"Yeah, except then, like, how would we get him to come and stuff?" I retorted.

"We'd find him and then bring him to the house and- oh. Right..." Estonia felt really dumb.

"The whole point is that we have to find him, derpface!" Latvia said.

"Derpface? What?"

"Sealand taught it to me! It's our new catchphrase." Latvia explained.

"Like 'in another few hours the sun will rise?'" I asked.

"Just like that."

After another bout of awkward silence, Russia suggested that we think of a new strategy.

"I was thinking that maybe we could send a flock of baby pandas to go find him," I said, pulling another Liet Whereabout Idea out of the metaphorical Liet Whereabout Idea Hat.

"Yeah, but then we would have to go to China... And I hate China. Period," Russia grimaced.

"Awww dirty Commies hate each other!" I squealed.

Latvia and Estonia looked at me and violently shook their heads whilst waving their arms frantically.

"I'm sorry... what did you say?" Russia growled as he grinned creepily for the 7591st time that day.

"Um... um..." I cleared my throat and at the top of my lungs I sang, "I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED OF A FAR-OFF PLACE WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME WILL BE WAITING FOR ME-"

"Russia, don't! He was just joking!" Estonia tried.

"Yeah, he's under a lot of stress because Lithuania is missing and stuff," Latvia cried.

"...I WILL FIND MY WAY! I CAN GO THE DISTANCE..."

"Russia, please! Don't be upset." Estonia murmured.

"Don't make me call Belarus," Latvia threatened.

Well that shut Russia up.

"All right, all right. Poland, please stop singing Hercules, even though that is a super-special-awesome Disney movie and second only to The Aristocats. We'll go to China's house," Russia said calmly.

"THE ARISTOCATS WAS LIET'S FAVORITE DISNEY MOVIEEE!" I wailed.

After Latvia and Estonia joined me in stuffing my mouth with chocolate ice cream while watching 50 First Dates, we were all set to go the China's house.

"Why are we going to China's again?" Latvia asked Estonia.

"Um... something about baby pandas?" Estonia replied.

Well, this was going to be fun!


	3. In Which There is a Baby Panda

**A/N: Ladyoflalaland again - thanks to those who reviewed: you made our day! Also, my little brother, inspectortoast on deviantart, continues to be very awesome and draw pictures for each chapter of this story and then post them. The links are on this account's profile page.**

**Pandas and hugs to all those who reviewed before - if you want either a panda or a hug, you have to review too, get it? Good. **

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"And that," I said, leaning in closer to the captivated Estonia and Latvia, "is when she goes up into the Heaviside Layer. Everyone is happy and sings a song. The End."

See, Russia banned us from listening to music in the car, so I had taken to explaining the plot of musicals to my fellow detectives for entertainment.

"But what happened to Jean Valjean?" Estonia asked.

"And the ninjas?" Latvia chimed in.

Okay, so I had taken some creative liberties in my story, but who can blame me? So far, we had taken a train, plane, bus, and magical unicorn on our journey… and that was just to get to Russia's super-secret-lair-of-super-secret-weapons. 'In case we need to defend ourselves.' He had stated simply, then made us all pinky swear that we would NOT tell where the lair was.

Anyhoodles. Now, after taking a time warp through space and time by doing The Time Warp, we arrived at China's house.

"Knock-knock" Russia said, instead of actually knocking on the door.

A pause, then footsteps from inside.

"Who's there?" A tentative voice called.

Another pause. I looked at my nails because they were totally cute right now. Estonia kicked some dirt into Latvia's face. We all waited.

"Russia!" Russia said with a little too much exuberance.

More waiting... We knew what was coming and the excitement of it was overwhelming. Or something. I'm trying to stretch the truth to make the story more interesting, kay?

"Russia… who?"

This was it!

Russia grinned that creepy grin, "Russia-who's gonna break down this door and…" the creepy grin widened, "do… stuff. To you."

I poked Russia, "Russia," I said, scowling at him, "stuff is like, totally not very threatening. It could mean that you cover him in kisses and presents. Or, it could mean that you're going to do something really evil, like, spoil the ending to a movie you just saw. You need to work on your evil..." Here, Russia's face turned blue. For fear that he was about to, like, pass out or something, I quickly ended my speech.. "ness?"

China opened the door anyways, "Oh, hiya guys." He looked down. "What do you want?"

"YOUR SOUL!" That was from Russia, duh.

"No… actually, we're looking for Lithuania… seen him?"

China looked puzzled, "What does he look like?"

Everyone thought for a second.

"He has white and black fur and little ears and…" I began.

"Like this?" China magically pulled a panda out of the air.

"LIET!"

"No…" Estonia said, "That's a baby panda."

"Oh, haha, right…. Silly me – I forgot." I sighed, "So... what does Liet look like?"

"Well," Estonia began, "he's about this" he used his hands to indicate a little more than a meter, "tall."

Latvia chimed in, "he has brown hair."

"He will do slave work for you."

"He's really cute. Like, cuter than Zac Efron in _Hairspray_, that's how cute."

China thought for a moment. Then spoke, "So… he looks just like this?" he held up a picture of Lithuania, sleeping.

"Where'd you get that?"

Russia grinned creepily. Everyone shuffled around and no one spoke.

China chimed in again, "Does he?"

"Yes!"

"Never seen him before."

"B-but, you have that picture!" Estonia stammered.

"And, I've still never seen him before, kay?"

"Kay," Everyone looked down.

Latvia started to cry, "we'll never find him now."

"Latvia, in case you've forgotten, we've only looked two places," Estonia rolled his eyes.

China looked at everyone's faces, then, he sighed and leaned in closer, "Okay, maybe I have seen him before... But, come inside, someone might be watching."

We all crowded into China's living room.

"Well?..." Russia began.

"I'll tell you, but only for a price," China grinned creepily too.

"I'll do it!" I sobbed, "I'll do anything to find Liet!"

"Ok, give me those Hello-Kitty rainboots."

"No - not that!"

"Yes!"

"Never!"

"If you want to see Lithuania again…"

"Fine," I sobbed, "take them, take them fast, before I change my mind."

China smiled and grabbed the books, "All righty – here it is… I've seen Lithuania at America's house before."

"No duh," Russia rolled his eyes, "he used to work for America, remember?"

"Well, that's all I know." China frowned.

"Liar!"

At this point, China started crying. Latvia joined in again.

"I think," Estonia began, "that it's time we left: we'll go to America's house now, since he and Lithuania are friends."

I looked around; China and Latvia were still in tears. Although they were obviously just being crybabies, I figured I should cheer them up. After all, I should be the one crying around here: they were stealing my spotlight!

"So…" I said slowly, as we walked off towards America's house, "who wants icecream?"


	4. In Which There Are Fists

**A/N: Hey homiezz! Robyn-Enjolras here-izzle! This is a new chapter, as you have probably already guessed. So enjoy!**

**Also, read The Prince of Tides, because it is the second best book ever. Do it.

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"AMURRICA!" I hollered at the door as I banged on it with fists of fury.

"Geez, Poland, simmer down," said Latvia, "What's the rush?"

"THE RUSH?" I yelled into the little boy's face, "THE RUSH IS THAT THERE IS SOME ICE CREAM IN THERE AND AMERICA MIGHT ALSO KNOW OF LIET'S WHEREABOUTS!"

"Simmer. Down," instructed China sternly, petting a stuffed panda that he made us get him at the airport.

"Butbutbut-"

"Or we'll make you watch _Quills_ again," Russia grinned creepily for the 154th time since we had gotten off the plane en route to America.

_Quills_ is the creepiest, most disturbing movie ever. Don't watch it if you want to live. Don't do it. No matter how pretty Joaquin Phoenix is, don't do it.

ANYWHOODLES...

America opened the door. A scent that can only be described as maple syrup and baseball wafted out the door and found its way into our noses.

"Hi?" he said inquisitively.

"Uh... hi, Mr. America, sir..." I began as a drew circles in the dirt with my foot with my head down, "We were just wondering if... if..."

Estonia looked at me and sighed, "We want to know if you knew where Lithuania is. He seems to have vanished."

"Oh noes!" America gasped, "Well, come on in! Canada and I were just finishing making pancakes."

As we entered the kitchen in America's house, Canada was flipping over a pancake.

"Correction. America was watching the baseball game on TV while I was slaving over this hot stove," Canada said.

After a moment of awkward silence, Canada offered us some pancakes and all of us sat down at America's table.

"So, what brings you guys over here?" asked Canada.

"They lost Lithuania, little bro," America told Canada.

"Uh, no. Poland lost Lithuania," Estonia corrected.

"NUH UH! HE WAS KIDNAPPED!" I cried, my mouth full of pancake.

"Anywaaaay... China said you might know where Lithuania is because he used to work for you before and you guys are friends," Russia said, actually making sense for once.

"No I didn't!" screeched China.

"I want ice cream!" chirped Latvia, feeling left out.

"GAH! Shut up!" America shouted as he banged his fist on the table.

And then we shut up.

"Good, now for starters we're going to all have to sit down and talk this through. Thus, it is time for me to take off my metaphorical Hero Glasses and put on my metaphorical Dr. Tobias Funke Glasses-"

"From _Arrested Development_," Canada clarified.

"AHHH! I LOVE TOBIAS!" I said as I did not scream like a fangirl.

"ANYWAY! When was the last time you saw Lithuania, Poland?" America asked me.

"Um... like, four days ago-ish? But I already explained all this to Russia and Latvia and Estonia and stuff!"

"True story," Latvia nodded.

"Maybe he just went out for a bit to go to the grocery store or something. You guys might all just be overreacting," Canada suggested shyly.

"NO! I waited for him and watched _Rent_ and _Hairspray_ and stuffff! I waited for him! AND HE DIDN'T COME BACK!" I wailed as I cried into the nearest sleeve, which I soon found out was Russia's. Of all the days to wear my _Legally Blonde: The Musical_ t-shirt...

Russia yanked his arm away from my face. "This little pansy over here told us that he had just told Lithuania that he was playing detective. And then Lithuania disappeared soon after that."

"I am not a pansy," I sniffled.

"Wait, Poland told Lithuania that he was going to play detective, right?" America started.

Russia and I nodded.

"And what country is home to one of the most famous detectives in the world?" America smiled.

"America?" I squeaked.

"No," he sighed.

"But Nancy Drew!"

"Ah, good point. But, no."

"The KGB," Russia said.

Everyone at the table looked at Russia strangely.

"Uh... the Cold War kinda ended like 19 years ago, pal," America replied.

"That's what you think!" Russia grinned creepily for the 155th time that day.

"Okay... then... I was thinking more along the lines of-" America was then interrupted by Latvia.

"SHERLOCK HOLMES!" Latvia yelled.

"That's right, kid! And Sherlock Holmes was from..."

"England!" Latvia cried as he fist pumped.

"Therefore, Lithuania obviously went to England and they both went to go find Sherlock Holmes!" America grinned.

"I liked The Great Mouse Detective better," I said.

"Oh, he is good," Estonia agreed.

"It's settled then! We're all going to England!" America said as he slammed his fist on the table in a "meeting adjourned" fashion.


End file.
